April 23, 2012

For the Guys Who Want to Date & Eventually Marry a Godly Woman (Part 2)

{This is the second half of this post, so if you missed it, go back and read it}

Women are Spaghetti, and Men Are Waffles. I haven't read the book, but it's not to hard to figure out what it's about. She can't compartmentalize like you can, so quit trying to get her to. I promise you that no matter how hard you try you're going to fail, so just learn to accept it. For us women, everything (and I do mean everything) is connected to everything else. You say that women are confusing and you can't figure them out. Gold star for you buddy! You're 100% right! But let me tell you something, for the most part I'm confused and I can't figure out myself either! I'll be honest, sometimes it's horrible. And we tend to be over-analytical (if that's even a word). It's super easy for us to just automatically think that way, interpreting every single word and reading between the lines, and we're probably not that accurate in our interpretations as we'd like to think. Of course it works the same way when guys try to "interpret" girls too. Needless to say, good communication skills can go a long way.

"I'm Fine." If she says that, chances are she most certainly is not "fine." Of course, that doesn't mean you did anything wrong either. Some guys when they hear that immediately try to figure out what they did wrong. Try and understand that half the time it has nothing to do with you. And when she does share the problem with you, she's probably not looking for you figure out a way to fix it. The problem is not the problem, but rather how she feels about the problem.

Quit Playing Games. You really, really, really need to watch what kind of attention and how much of it you're giving to the girls around you. Look at it this way, if it's true that guys are more visual and an immodest, scantily clothed women can be a temptation, you need to know that giving a girl attention, when you have no intention of pursuing a relationship with her is the equivalent. It's dangling something in front of her that she desires and wants, but she can't have. So cut that out! Don't hang around women in order to stroke your ego when you have no intention of pursuing them. Men get down to business and work at winning a woman's heart, while little boys play with them like toys.

Stop Beating Around the Bush. If there's a girl you want to pursue, then get to it. It's simple, go up to her, look her in the eye and tell her you'd like to have dinner with her. Don't sorta drop hints to her about possibly eating spaghetti with her... someday... if she wants to. Come on now! You can be brave! It's a win-win situation however she responds. If she says yes, then the two of you will more than likely have a great time, and if she says no, you still win, because chances are you wouldn't have had any fun with her anyway. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. Honesty and clarity really are the best policy. Quit dropping "hints" because you fear rejection. God's not called you to be men of fear anyway. If trust is a result of honesty, then why not start off on the right foot? It'll be so much easier to build up her trust in you if you set the precedent right from the beginning. She's waiting for you take the lead and to initiate.

Plan Legit Dates. Avoid going to the movies on the first few dates. It's pretty much pointless since the point of a date is to get to know somebody and you can't exactly have conversations in the middle of a movie. (Or I guess you could, but I don't think other people around you would be to happy.) If you went to the trouble to ask her out, go to the trouble to actually plan what the two of you are going to do. (P.S. If you're going to eat at a more fancy restaurant, give her a heads up, so she can dress appropriately. Same goes for if you plan on something more sporty. She'll be kind of bummed it you planned on hiking and she wore heels.) When you two are out, be a gentleman. Open doors for her and practice other acts of chivalry. And for goodness sake, don't honk for her to come out when you go to pick her up. Park the car and go to the door. She's not a dog!

Affirmation is Needed Consistently. Both men and women need affirmation and there's nothing wrong with that. Men tend to need affirmation in terms of respect, and women need it through love. Look, there are five big questions that constantly run through a woman's mind: "Am I beautiful?" "Am I valuable?" "Am I worth pursuing?" "Can I trust him with this?" and "Does he care?" Don't be like one man I heard talking about this, who basically said, "Well, I told her I loved her and thought she was beautiful when I said, 'I do.' I'll let her know when that changes." That was his pathetic excuse as to why he didn't consistently, and verbally affirm or pursue his wife. And I just stood there and thought he was a total moron. I still do. To say you love her at the alter, doesn't cut it. You're going to have to say it all the time. Literally, all the time. Pursuing a woman's heart doesn't stop when you exchange rings and say "I do." Before marriage it's about winning her heart, after marriage it's about learning to cherish her until one of you dies. (Do yourself a favor, and read this.)

Be Gracious. Yes, this is a repeat, but it's a necessary repeat. No woman responds well to a man who's condemning, bossy, or overbearing. Jesus did not approach women like this either. If you're going to call her out on something, do so with the utmost tenderness/gentleness/concern. No sarcasm, and don't have an attitude about it either. Women are naturally inclined to be responders. Just don't hold them to a standard that you wouldn't want to be held to yourself.

4 comments :

  1. LOVE this. love it. love. love. love.

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  2. love this!
    especially the...hahaha..."have spaghetti someday....maybe...if you want..." part.
    cracked me up.

    that whole affirmation part is amazing. soooo true!

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  3. This (and part 1) are great, thanks so much Natalie for sharing!

    Sorry for commenting on such an old post but I was hoping I could ask for some advice. I've been a Christian for many years but am currently 25 years old and have absolutely zero dating and relationship experience (yeah I know, that's fairly unusual). In my case I definitely "grew up" as you mentioned in part 1 in many ways, in that I built myself a great career and education, am responsible, and so forth but I struggled with very crippling levels of social anxiety for years. Relationships just didn't happen - historically I've always been so nervous and awkward around girls that I just came across as a total weirdo and ruined any chance of them saying yes to a date.

    Long story short through lots of prayer and effort I've solved a lot of the anxiety issues and I can actually interact with girls better now. But it's still kind of hard for me to make friends, and when it comes to pursuing I just can't shake the feeling that I don't know any girls well enough to ask them out. My church is fairly large and you can easily go weeks without running into a given person and getting to chat with them. I guess I'm afraid that if I ask out a girl who I like but don't know super well, that I'll be seen as shallow, because if I don't really her well I must be asking her out based on looks alone or something (which wouldn't be true - I tend to be good at observing and getting a feel for what people are like from a distance).

    Anyways...my apologies for rambling but I guess my question is this: How well do you think a Christian guy should know a girl before asking her out? I'm sure there's no easy answer but any insight would be really helpful for me.

    Thanks so much.

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