April 26, 2012

Calling and Hope

2 Things I feel like God has been teaching me lately from the journal...

Hold onto hope. There are so many days that I don't want to. I'm tired. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally I feel like a train wreck. Like I'm just sitting by the rubble waiting for God to show up and start piecing it together. I sit here and wait. And wait. And wait. All this waiting seems like it's too much because I'm getting restless. I'm getting bored. And when I'm bored I feel like I waste time and energy. Sitting by the rubble. Drawing pictures in the dust or watching clouds pass by. Some days I get to thinking those puffy, cheerful clouds up above are mocking me as they travel across the big blue sky. It may not make sense, but I know He's there. It doesn't feel like He's not near, I'm just waiting for Him to move. Maybe He has, and I'll look back on this someday and see it. Maybe it's like Aslan says in Lewis's Prince Caspian: "Things never happen the same way twice." Maybe I'm just expecting God to move the same way He did last time. I don't know when it'll happen or how, but I'm not sure that's what I'm supposed to be focusing on. Perhaps I'm supposed to be still and hold on to hope. Maybe this is the point. I need to know what it means to cling to hope. 

Cultivating hope is harder than I ever imagined. Especially when it seems like there isn't much going for me. When I have serious doubts that God is not going to come through for me. Cultivating hope is painful. Because I've had way too many hints of it that have lead to... well... nothing. It's a cycle. I get a hint of it, get excited and really happy for a short while, then... it's not there. And that's the thing about hope. Hope runs the risk of being disappointed. I have a deep dislike for disappointment. I fear it. I avoid it as much as possible, because I think we both know why: It stings. Hope deferred, diminished, or smashed is painful. It can make the heart grow sick.

I don't understand it really, but somehow, He always manages to give me just enough hope for each day. Yes, there are days or weeks where I cry because I'm exhausted, my heart is in pain, and I'm confused, but even then He gives me just enough to get me through. And this hope comes from redirecting my gaze. Gazing at the rubble itself depress me. Big time. Gazing at Him means I don't have to worry about the rubble. Gazing at Him is really the only thing that brings much comfort or peace right now.

Perhaps this is an appointed season in which I'm learning to lift my eyes towards Him. Over and over again, every single day. I'd say that has everything to do with hope. At least it makes total sense to me.

and...

I've never been that great at determining whether God is calling me to something or if it's just my imagination and wishful thinking. But the thought flooded me a couple of weeks ago. I was just sitting there during the Good Friday service and out of nowhere it hits me. Again. I'd kind of shoved it to the back corners of my mind for numerous reasons hoping I'd totally forget it, but... nope. Here it is. It's been lingering more and more. And I just... don't know... what to do. I've been staying up late trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to do with this... Heck, I even went back to see if I'd journaled or prayed about it, and I never go back and read my journals, but yep, it was there alright. Actually, I can see it in practically ever page since it's first entry, even though it's pretty subtle. But now I'm just confused as to what to do. I've had long conversations with a few people about it, but they've all sort of contradicted each other... which hasn't been very helpful. I've been "called out" so to say (not in a bad way, but in more of a "hey, I'd challenge you to grow in this more" sort of way), been told numerous times that I'm naive, and several other things I have a hard time wrapping my mind around. I don't know where I'm going with this at all. My only idea at this point is to set aside these summer months to seriously pray about it, because I think one thing myself and everyone else I've talked to have agreed with me on is that I need to either reach a decision to either take a risk and then see what happens, or let it go... I guess. **Banging my head on the table here** Having the ability to read minds would be so helpful in this case.

If anyone has any clue as to how one would know if God is calling them to something, toss me a bone here.

5 comments :

  1. I don't think God usually calls people to do specific things.

    Have you read Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung?

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  2. hmmm... okay i dont know the circumstance, but i think He is calling you to whatever it is! clearly its on your heart... so if its not sinful, then GO FOR IT... we did a series in church awhile back on how the secular doesnt exit... so many times as christians we compartmentalize everything into "sinful," "sacred," and "secular." well, there really is no such thing as secular...we can bring glory to Him in anything....so if something is not sinful, its sacred by definition. go for it and strive to honor Him in the matter and i know His heart will be blessed. just my two cents ;)

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  3. I have no answers for you, but i will say that Im praying for you!!

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  4. Whatever it is, Im sure God is pleased with your heart. You're putting Him first and wanting to honour Him in everything...whether that means pursuing or not pursuing this desire, whatever is going on! I know how it feels to be confused, but you've clearly not acted on emotions immediately and have spent many months mulling this over and thinking about it. That takes wisdon to not act on emotional whim and to wait to see what happens. Only you and God know what to do and He knows what will happen. Either way Sis, He must be very pleased with your tender heart for Him :)

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  5. I would also recommend Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung. It totally transformed my view of God's will and how I make decisions. :)

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