March 13, 2012

Pursuit of My Heart

The greatest sorrow and burden you can lay on the Father, the greatest unkindness you can do to him is not to believe that he loves you. -John Owen
How convicting is that? That my friends was like a punch to my stomach. Especially considering I wrote this whole post recently on not feeling loved by God.


I'm still wrestling through it. As good of a quote it is, it's not going to change me or how I feel over night.


But it did get me thinking and praying about it. 


Somewhere along the line I think... I think I stopped letting God have my heart. My whole heart. I stopped responding to His pursuit or "wooing" of me.


I stopped sharing the precious things I hold dearly.
I stopped sharing the dreams and desires.
I stopped being 100% vulnerable and raw.
I stopped thanking.
I stopped asking.
I stopped being patient.
I stopped expecting.
I stopped trusting.
I stopped caring.


I'm sure there's sinful tendencies that have fed into it. I'm not going to excuse or diminish that. "All of life is repentance." But I think there are other things that have led to this. Things beyond my control or my doing. And I'm trying to sort them out.


I stopped sharing the dream, desires, delights and all the things I hold dear to my heart because I've never thought I'd get them. Instead I've gotten things that I never would have asked for. So I stopped expecting God to give me anything I wanted. Because why bother asking for something you've convinced yourself you'll never get? So I stopped giving thanks, stopped being fully raw, then just stopped caring. All the while every drop of patience being sucked out of me.


That surly leads to a lack of trust. 


And there can be little intimacy or love in the absence of trust.


But I'm beginning to see that Christ was and has been pursuing me through this all. I've just blinded myself to see. Turned a deaf ear. Fought against it. And in the process wounded and isolated myself.


If I believe that Christ is the husband and lover of my soul (Isaiah 54:5), THE Bridegroom... then I've been a terrible bride. What kind of bride ignores her husbands affections, gifts, words, and love?


Slowly, but surely...


I'm laying my heart back on the alter. 
I'm entrusting it's care to Him.
I'm going to respond to His "wooing"


Let the pursuing begin.

4 comments :

  1. You're dear to met. You've strung the chords of my heart.

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  2. yes! so beautiful natalie! praying for you blogger-friend and sister in Christ! :)

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  3. Ah, I have been here to many times. Man. I could have written this myself. May we always be in pursuit of Him!

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