February 28, 2012

Spilling My Guts

Dear Diary, I've cried myself to sleep these past three (or four? I can't remember) nights. Sincerely, Me.

I don't have a diary. In my mind diaries are equated with middle school girls who write about their ever changing crushes and heartbreaks. Toss in a couple of "I hate my parents" moments as well. But, if I had a diary that opening line is what it would read.

Life's been hard for the past six/seven months. That's nothing new. I blogged a lot about it in the fall. I consider this season to be an all time low in my life. Or I should say I keep thinking it's an all time low, but I seem to keep getting lower. It feels like I'm stuck in a snowball effect, but with no bottom to the mountain.

Yes, I do have good days, but they are few and far between.

So the other night I made a pot of tea on the stove (I felt like doing it the old school way; microwaves are lame), locked myself in my room and just spilled my guts onto the paper. To God. To myself. And eventually to this here laptop (although it's been heavily edited in terms of content and length). I journaled all that was weighing on my mind, all the fears that have risen up in me, all the things I've been grieving over, all the confusion, all the lies, all the dreams and desires that I don't know what to do with, all the messes in my life, and all the stressful family issues. Heart work is messy, long, emotional, and tiresome. I loved it because I felt like I was coming clean with the Lord and He felt present, but I hated it because I still don't have answers or solutions to all that I "vomited" onto those pages. I felt encouraged, very hopeful, a bit more whole, but also discouraged, bitter, depressed, broken, forgotten, vulnerable, insecure, and robbed. Have I mentioned I'm a walking, talking, breathing paradox? It makes for one heck of a ride. My advice: Avoid becoming as such.

My near future looks hazy and bleak from where I stand at this moment. I haven't got a clue as to where I'll be or what I'll be doing in the fall. I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep attending college. I have basically no money. My parents have no money. The money that was funding my college is now funding my parents, myself, and my sister's dinners and bills. If that doesn't change here in the next two or three months... that could very likely translate into no college for me in the fall. I'm seriously worried about it. Not so much that it would be the end of the road for me and my college career... it's just, what I would I be doing instead of that? It's not like I'm qualified to have any kind of "real" job. That requires a college degree. Then it became clear to us the other night, that if circumstances don't change we may have to look at moving. Again. This would be either the 8th or 9th time? It probably would serve the greater good of us all, but moving is tiring and anxiety plagued with trying to sell a house in this market. It's uprooting the familiar, uprooting the friendships (sorta), uprooting from the church I love. All I'm getting at is there's so much up in the air right now that I can't really make plans. Have them in place? Yes, but that is all. And since I'm sorta a planner... that drives me crazy. I just don't know where God is leading me. And I'm a girl who thrives on good, clear directions and maps. It means security and knowing what to expect. Anything besides that freaks me out, making me an anxious, fearful mess of a person.

And I need a car. Which costs money. Money I don't have. 

I need a job, but can't find one that's suitable or realistic.

Then there are the stressful family problems. My family is by no means perfect. I don't talk a lot about my family problems and struggles here. I just can't seem to muster up the required courage to discuss family wounds and remain altogether honoring in such a way that if certain members where to stumble onto here that they'd see it as such. Which is in some ways sad since it means leaving out massive chunks of my testimony/faith journey. Maybe that's just fear I'm giving into. But at the same time I don't think everything about my life should be on display for the world wide web. Anyway, the struggles have been severely magnified these past three months and they've open old wounds in the past couple of weeks. Triggering memories that I'd long since forgotten and did not want to remember or deal with. 

Then it occurred to me that other day that I've been really lonely for quite some time now. All my closest friends live in different states or hours away. Sure I could call them, but they're busy with their own lives and their latest boyfriends (or fiances... that list keeps growing), and with many I feel like I'm being a burden of sorts. It's not their fault. Life does get busy. But we always find a way to make time for the people we think are a priority... and I guess I'm seeing that for many I'm not a priority. It's not like I can call many people and make arrangements for coffee or some adventure. I need an adventure. I need to get out more. But I don't want to do it alone. I can only do so many things on my own before it either depresses or bores me. I need to stay out late. I need to have in-depth conversations. To grab coffee on rainy nights and sit in Starbucks until closing. I need to take hikes, picnics, and bike rides. I need to go exploring on the weekends in different cities. I need to take road trips. I need to get out of this house and I need to do it with friends who are my age. Or I need a boyfriend. I'd be happy to take that at this point. But at the same time, let's be honest, I'm crazy. I do come with baggage. I probably do have high expectation. How many guys in their right minds want to sign up for that? 

I have dreams and desires but I pretty much suck at determining which ones are from the Lord and which ones are out of my own selfishness. I've always struggled with the concept of pursuing happiness and my passions. I feel like I need permission to enjoy or take time to pursue the things I love. I want to create. I want to make and enjoy pretty things just for the sake of making and enjoying pretty things. But I can't seem to get myself to do that because of everything else. It drains any creative energy I have. And these days I just don't see how my happiness has much to do with anything. My personal happiness and what I want doesn't matter much these days. I've given up a lot of what I want these days for the sake of others only for them to give me grief and fights. It's not fair. But life isn't fair. I don't know... I'm kinda at that spot where I'm not even sure what would make me happy anymore. I'm set up to loose either way. I can't seem to get anything to work in my favor. And the people who I thought we're supposed to be my greatest supports aren't. I just feel really guilty when it comes to myself these days. 

I wish summer were here. I'm tired of being cold all the time. I want this semester to be over with. It's by far been the worst ever. I hate the majority of my classes. I hate my history of political science class. It's too political. (I'm sure some of you are like "duh!") The teacher has an agenda... and it certainly isn't mine. I'm sick of people asking my opinions on everything. I have opinions, but not on everything. And I certainly don't feel like I should have to share all my opinions. I'm getting really good a answering a question without really answering it. I just don't want to make myself a target in that hostile environment that class creates. It's just not worth it to me to debate right now. To quote Plato, "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something." 


I don't want to live in this kind of an environment. I'm worn out with the shouting, the stomping, the arguing, the passive anger, the sighs, the crying, not being able to laugh or have fun without getting in trouble.


In short, I'm worn out. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I'm tired of waiting on... everything and everybody. I've got very little for me going right now. I feel pathetic. I feel like others see me that way too. I feel raw and weak. I hate it. I don't know what on earth God is doing, but I wish He'd hurry it up and do... something.

7 comments :

  1. Your honesty is inspiring. It's already hard enough to be open and share a testimony after you've made it thought and God has proven himself faithful. But to be honest in the midst of your trials -- to communicate that life as a Christ follower is anything but perfect. And that God's faithfulness is anything but a thing that is defined by our circumstances. That's real. Thank you Natalie :)

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  2. I hope things start to get better for you, Natalie. Life does throw us some challenges but hopefully, we are able to turn them into something good.

    I had a journal in my teen years - and actually still do, but unlike then, I rarely write in it unless I am feeling in particular need of it. =)

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  3. Oh sweet friend, I am definitely praying for you very hard right now! Check out the following article - it really helped me last year in my "time in the wilderness" http://www.prettyladysmiles.com/2010/09/cup-of-cinnamon-tea.html

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  4. Natalie,
    I absolutely know what your going through. Your feel so out of place, no sense of up or down. Its tge absolute worst feeling, uncertainty. I just want to tell you I will be praying. Honestly. Because you have been such and inspiration to me through your blog and because you need and deserve it. I have always thought these times of wilderness, are times where we get closer to Him. We may not get answers, and we may feel sad and lost, but press on Natalie! We love you.

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  5. Awww, Natalie! So sorry to hear what you're dealing with. Some of what you're going through sounds familiar! I'm a planner too and it really stinks when you can't even do that. But God appreciates your honesty. Hope things start turning up. Hugs and prayers!

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  6. Oh Natalie, I wish we were close because I would so be there for you. I would be there to talk to you, to go on adventures with you, to just listen to you. :( I'm sorry about that. If you ever need an outside perspective or just someone to vent to I'm here. You can email me at mojo42@ymail.com

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  7. I could have written almost the exact same things. Keep trusting in the Lord. Don't give up. He will give you strength to keep going, just as He has (and is) for me.
    God bless.

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