October 11, 2011

I'm. So. Done.

Sometimes when you think things just couldn't get worse, you find out that they can indeed get worse. Which is what happened. Not that it was a total shock. I just really wish it didn't happen, and I foolishly thought it never would for years.

But it's not just what happened this weekend, it's everything in my life.

Right now I have no clue where God is in all of this, or what the heck is going on with my life, but I'm angry, confused, and hurt. I wish I could say that I woke up today with a bright outlook on life and verse on my heart. But I didn't. I woke up stumbled to get myself a cup of coffee than sat down to write another paper, because right now all I can manage to focus on is going to class and getting homework done. In short, surviving the daily grime and just making it through another day has become my default mode.

And I hate it. Hate it that I've lost my passion. Hate that what once brought me joy I find no pleasure in. Hate that I'm wasting time and energy on... well nothing mostly. Hate the stress. Hate covering other people's backs. Hate it when men don't act as God has called them to, and thus everybody around them has to suffer. Hate not having a clue what I'm doing with anything. Hate that no matter how hard I try or how nice I am, it always ends up coming back to bite me. Hate that I'm writing another post on this... stuff (because seriously, if I were you I'd be fed up with reading these types of posts). I'm fed up. I'm too worn out to really do anything to change anything. I feel pathetic, left behind, and a loser. I can't win with these games. I need to tap out and just come to the end of myself. I've had my share of beatings now.

I think I need to go back to the drawing board, erase nearly everything, and start over, which is going to take a huge amount of time. Start from scratch with so many things. 

But first, I need to rest. I need to be carried in Abba's arms for a while. I can't really pour into anybody right now, but rather need to be poured into, which is hard because I admit it, I have a pride issue. And I need to stop being so freakin' harsh with myself (it's a lot harder than you think).
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! ...Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice... Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit... The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. ~Psalm 51:1-17
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. ~Psalm 34:18
Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth... For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. "O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations with sapphires... In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you. If anyone stirs up strife, it is not from me; whoever stirs up strife with you shall fall because of you. ~Isaiah 54:4, 10-15

7 comments :

  1. Praying for you, Natalie! Know that you are NOT alone in these feelings - we have all been there! Seasons of our lives are so beautiful in retrospect, so remember that this season of hard testing and trial will produce so much fruit and faithfulness in the end. Know that the Lord is going before you and with you, even though you may not feel or see Him. He is there, whispering encouragement to your heart. He will lead you to His courts no matter how tough the trenches are right now... He is guiding you all the way. I am praying hard for you!!!

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  2. Oh sweetheart, I hate that you're having a hard time. When you said about coming to the end of yourself, it reminded me of a wonderful phrase I read in a book called "Wasteland" by Mike Pilavachi. It was all about desert seasons, and he said "In the desert, we come to the end of ourselves and the beginning of God."
    God is in it with you. He has to be, because He's promised to never leave you nor forsake you. Yes - desert seasons are tough, regardless of how much you read about them/been through them/who's supporting you at the time.
    Refuse to get bitter (Ephe 4:31), as that is a root that grows in your heart like a fast weed and causes all sorts of other problems. Run straight to the Father, because He's waiting with open arms. Just spend time worshipping Him and giving Him thanks. I'm sorry that you feel let down by men who are meant to be living as God intended, but remember that we're all prone to sin. We're all just trying to make our way. And, that's not an excuse, but the Holy Spirit will convict them if necessary.
    Just look to God. It's at times like this you realise, if you can't rely on other people or even yourself, He is the only One you can rely on. I am so praying for you! xxx

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  3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27YX8bBB_Qs

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSXs6f2LMvk

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  4. Ah, I hate going through crappy times. I woke up with an argument going over and over in my head from last night and then it created an imaginary scenarios where we got into a fight and I had to pray and pray to get God to take it away from me because I was ready to fight the moment they called me this morning, but thankfully He did and we were both great on the phone.

    All that to say, let Him hug you tight to get through this and be gentle on yourself. :) Praying for you!

    Emily w/Amazing Grapes

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  5. Ah dear, I am so so sorry you are going through such a rough season. In hard times, sometimes, it seems like it would be easier to just forget about God. But He is there always. Never-changing.
    Through the hardest times we grow the closest to Him. Praying for you girl.

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  6. Oh Natalie Im heart broken for you. I know it's tough when life brings us down or beats us up, but I've been there too and i know God is right there waiting to lift you. Take your time, I wont tell you to not have these feelings, but trust that he can make a mess into a beautiful thing. I will be praying for you sister, like you have been praying for me. Be strong, and rest in Him. Let him hug you. The peace will come... i know from experience! xo

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  7. life feels like crap sometimes.
    just know that there are people who care about you and pray for you, and God is there in the midst of it....i promise.
    <3

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