October 24, 2011

I'm Scared

I don't know how to start this post today. Pretty much everything in life right now... sucks. There's just no other way to put it. I haven't got a clue where I'm going or what I should be doing. And what I am doing right now seems really pointless and it's all so draining. I'm trying to make good, practical decisions, but than particularly people come into the picture and rather than being helpful and supportive, they argue and criticize me. I'm just stuck in this never ending cycle of playing their games. And either way I go I loose. I've only got two hands and I can only do so much. I'm not God, and I certainly can't make miracles happen. I hate playing by their rules, but for the time being, I have to. I honestly have no choice in the matter. They just make everything so much more stressful and difficult. And in the moments where I think I can relax and enjoy something, they come around and heap on the guilt. Between you and me, it doesn't take much to make me feel guilty. Sort of a flaw of mine. That and being a total push-over. I'm not very good at just saying "No." I'm terrible at debating as well, so I give in.

Just when I think I've heard from God where I'm supposed to go, I've got five other people telling me I can't do that. And they're very loud about it too.

I'm just exhausted with life. People keep throwing stuff at me... I really just want to be left alone. It's a sad thing when all you want to do is run and hide. Let the earth keep moving, I'll stay here behind this rock and just grown old. Obviously, that's not what God wants for my life. I know that. But deep down that's what I want at the moment. Other people keep telling me to "be happy!" Happiness doesn't work like that. It's not something that can be forced because happiness is based on your circumstance. Now if you want to chat about joy... that is something you can choose regardless of your circumstance. I have my little moments of joy, but I still spend the majority of the time... despondent and upset. 

The whole college thing is totally messed up. I don't have time to go into that, nor do I want to in the form of a blog post. I officially have a creeper. I swear if he asks for my number or invites me over to his apartment again (I think it'll make it the 8th time or something) I'm going to either blow my top, or give him some random phone number. I never blow my top at anybody... but this... this is seriously ridiculous. To top things off my dad's firm could very likely go under any day now if they don't get any new projects... which would just be awful with the economy and his profession. It would mean so much to me if you could all pray for that BTW. To be blunt... I'm just really scared about everything. 

But I'm trying with what little strength I have to hold tight to these: Isaiah 54, Psalm 6, and Jeremiah 17:14.

9 comments :

  1. Praying for you. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I was going to pick up on the happiness in not a choice thing but then you said exactly what I would have in the sentence about joy. Hold onto that. Sometimes it's harder to choose it than other times, but I believe it is doable.

    Romans 8:18-end x x

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  2. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.
    Exodus 14:14

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  3. I'm praying for you Natalie! I am so sorry things have been so hard lately. I know God has a plan in everything that happens. I pray things start to look up for you again very soon and that, until then, He will give you peace that surpasses all understanding.

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  4. i'm praying for you. and just so you know, i completely relate.

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  5. I just wanted to encourage you a little bit. If you think you've heard from God which way to go, but people keep knocking you down, pray and fight. I was talking to my friend last night - she and her boyfriend split up for a while. It was so hard for them, especially her. She asked God why it was so hard...His reply? "Because you're meant to be together." Sometimes we have to simply fight for it. Remember what you posted a few weeks ago, about wrestling with God for blessings? Maybe it's time to get your karate gear on. Anyway, my friend got back together with her boyfriend...and they're now married with a baby on the way.
    Will be praying for you :)
    xxx

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  6. <3
    i truly hope things blow over soon for you.
    and those people....i wish there was a mute button, ya know?!

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  7. Just know, even though they may be yelling loudly saying you can't do it, they'll never drown out God's voice telling you what to do.

    Praying there's an end to it all for you and that your dad gets new projects.

    http://storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com/2011/03/blogging-tips-tricks-part-2.html

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  8. (completely ignore that link I accidentally added...it was a mistake. *sorry haha)

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